she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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