It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
