We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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