well I can't set my house on fire every night
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
