shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
