I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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