I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize