Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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