i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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