she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
