pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
