Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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