Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It was like getting head from an anaconda
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
