You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
