I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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