in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
