I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
