I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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