watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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