i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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