Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
