i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Houston, we have a blender
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
