upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
