I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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