good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
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