I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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