after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
