In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
