Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
