This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
