Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
