I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
