On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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