White coat. Heels.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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