I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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