I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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