note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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