A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize