Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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