oh god the rape fog is back!
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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