Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
