Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
