It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
That accounts for only three of the penises
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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