I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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