I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
