Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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