If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
