fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
