I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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