Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
