haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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