i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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