Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
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