Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
God I need to hump something, right now.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
