I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
