Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
