I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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