god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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