Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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